'He who has ears, let him hear'
-1st Century Jewish teacher
I am no longer a good example. In fact, I might be a bad example now. Some people may have noticed that since being away for more than a year, I've changed. Before I left I was actively involved with many things at church, 'min-is-try' as people say. People might have described me as 'switched on', 'on fire', 'zealous'. I was a 'good example' for others. I've come back and I'm not doing half as much as I used to. The truth is that over the course of last year, I've grown to become tired of the religion of Christianity. Believe it or not, its not a position that has emerged suddenly over the past year. My present position stems from underlying sentiments that I had begun to feel and think about even before I left.
Honestly, I've lost some confidence in the leadership of our churches. Not any one church in particular, but churches in general. Its not because of anything that a leader has done to me. I have not been wronged in any way. Rather than because of the way others might have treated me, its because of the way that I have treated others. Its because of the way that I have acted as a leader in the church as a good example.
Its not that I have wronged anyone (at least as far as I know). In fact, I've done all the right things. And therein lies the problem... I have led bible study groups on campus, at church and at youth group. I have met up with guys on a weekly basis to read the bible together and 'dis-ci-ple' them. And yet, the truth is I really didn't care that much about many of these people. I didn't. I might have asked for prayer points at the end of a session, but I sure didn't care enough to spend much time praying about this. And even now, I haven't continued to keep in touch with them to see how they are doing. Its akin to a therapist or social worker whose responsibility to a child only goes as long as they have been given that charge. Once the charge has been fulfilled, then the relationship is gone. I wouldn't say that a social worker truly loves all the children under their care. I wouldn't say that a doctor really cares about all the patients under him. I wouldn't say that I as a leader was genuinely concerned about the people who were under me.
Why then might I be considered an example? Maybe its because of my repentance and works. Well only one person can really say what goes on inside my heart and I have to say, that person isin't too impressed. Blessed are those who are meek. Blessed are those who are poor in Spirit. Blessed are those who are merciful. I am none of these things. Nothing exemplifies this more than my attitude when I am wronged, or when I been done a diservice. I am not meek, poor in Spirit, merciful. Instead, I think highly of myself, I do not forgive easily, I do not see myself as in need of repentance. Am I repentant as a result of the work of Jesus? Yes I am, but barely. I'm only as good as good circumstances allow me to be.
Why was I previously considered a good example? It was because I was doing all the right things. And one would think that means being loving, self-sacrifice and repentant. But in real life, it translates to the amount of 'min-is-try' that one gets involved in. In fact, the religion I had become caught up in was that of pursuing theology. I was a Pharisee, propagating a form of religion that I personally enjoyed, which I was personally quite adept at. And rather then leading to repentance, it led me to religion. I barely loved and I was minimally repentant. This is the form of religion that I've become tired of.
